It's funny to sit and realize of the time. Just one moment ago, you were stressing about something that has completely left your mind now. Crying over what we see as such trivial matters. Whether it be death, a loss, a failure, you name it. You go on and on playing the scene from start to finish thinking about how your emotions actually felt at that moment. Sadly, I completely fail as to feel how i used to at those moments. It seems that I'm incapable of grasping a perfect memory of my situation, or I've grown heartless and care less for what has once occurred. So i wonder, is life supposed to be a constant routine of hurdling pain and misfortune? If so, our bodies are quite amazing to go on and recover from tragedies that occur in our daily lives.

I remember, as a child, my only wish when flying a kite was to make it reach outer space. That desire of reaching so high with the power of your hands comes from nothing but your passion to defy the odds. Unaware of set "limitations" of possibility, knowledge and reality never seemed to weigh down on my ambitions. Sadly, now when i see a kite, i wonder if i can even fly it. Well, it's not really flying but just hovering, while the air pressure keeps it up.

With that, I wonder, is my goals truly what i desire or a false sense of hype that I've bestowed upon myself since childhood? Will i reach it only to regret transmuting to a new life style?

Do i still hope to reach for the stars only to come out of it with a diminished dream? You tell me.

-Past

It's funny to me how we sit through what appears to be a crazy roller coaster ride called life. With its ups and downs, we become accustomed to the terrifying experience of free falling but with it, we can smile at the sense of relief that comes with as the drop comes to a close. That sense of relief can be correlated to the enjoyment of relief of pain. One can say that people who enjoy roller coasters are a glutton for punishments. I'm not going into speaking about roller coaster but what i believe to be an important aspect of life. A horrible analogy i know, but i believe that it is at that pinnacle moment, we realize that feeling of relief flourishes in our life. From learning and experiencing in life, we proceed onto life in different ways.

When you're sick, you acknowledge and realize how much better it was to be healthy, reminiscent of a time when both your nostrils were operational. Or, do you not even realize how it used to feel when you were healthy but focus on getting better not wasting any time on a delusional past feeling? There are several arguments that can be lead into two very different type of thinking.

1) If you keep thinking and worrying about the past and the future, how do you enjoy today? What's the point of living if all you keep thinking about is what "bad" things COULD happen? It would be a waste of a beautiful life worrying about a distant past along with an upcoming veiled future. With every problem that arises, you take it head on and hurdle over them. Conquer today with your utmost abilities and sleep with a smile in order to prepare for a new tomorrow. It is your courage that enables you to face life.

2) How do you go through life without learning from your past and adapting that previous knowledge to further engagements? It is through stumbling and falling that one could crawl, walk, then run. "Plan, plan, plan" said my counselor upon my last visit to the office. Think of today as only a mere stepping stone to the castle in the far distance of your eye. While controlled by our past and wary of the future, for our own good, bliss can be found in a form of tranquility that comes with a planned life. It is your passion for the future that leads you on in life.

While i understand that the majority of people would claim neither of these two categories fit being too extreme on either left or right, i feel that people either live on the line or not. To me, it's really black and white. Me personally, currently, it feels as though my life comes one day at a time. With no passion and plans for what's ahead, i live on to see what doors open before my eyes.

While life can be unexpected with curve balls being thrown in every direction, what type of thought process do you rely on in order to live on? Is your dream/goal pulling your life? Is life as it comes, enough to fulfill your own?

Thanks to Goddessofvision, I was challenged upon the next post. You're right goddess, this was hard to think of.

While it may not seem big to others, it certainly was huge for me. I was around 3rd grade attending elementary school when this traumatizing experience happened. No, there was no murder. No, there was no violence. No, there was no suicidal attempt. But, there was a certain event that i can say has changed my life for the better in most parts. Upon thinking back on the what had happened, it was quite dramatic (in my eyes at the least).

As a habitual routine, I would wake up in the morning, get ready, take the 2 dollars left on the counter by my mother, lock up the apartment, then head over to the local 7-eleven to get breakfast before walking to school. Thinking i was Robin Hood's incarnate, i would proceed onto shoplift a few sweets in order to share with some friends at school while buying food in order to pass the suspicions. On this routine behavior, the clerk and i had managed some sort of friendly acquaintance with one another. She was a kind old lady. She would constantly ask how i was doing in school. Once, she even bought me a pack of Nerds when i told her i got an A+ on my spelling test.

It happened one bright beautiful day. Hiding a pack of Bubblicious on my sleeves, i went up to her and tried to buy whatever i had in mind. It was then that she asked if she can see what was in my sleeves. I was shocked and terrified of what was to come. The ideas of going to prison and/or getting beat by my mother (i'm asian) came rushing through my head. I imagine the feeling that i had at the time would be in comparison to what a deer in headlights would feel. At that young age, it was safe to assume that this moment was the most horrifying experience i have ever had.


Oh S**t.....

She came up to me, kneeled down and said something i never thought she would. "If you promise me that you won't steal again, we can just forget this" she said. This lady who gave me this immense stress also gave me the light out of the tunnel. It was this that had made me feel guilt in such a level that eventually shaped my life as a whole. I stole from this kind person on several occasion and yet, she decided to forgive me just like that. As i look back now, what an unbelievable person i have met. I have never went back due to the guilt and shame that had held up inside me. Despite the guilt and shame, it was with her act of forgiveness that had made an impact.